Monday, December 20

I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH

OK, so I'm starting this now in the hopes of getting a jump on my 2005 New Year's Resolution. Hmm. That sounds so fatalistic, doesn't it? Like I have to lose a few pounds (I do) or watch less porn (that's up for debate).

This year was...well, it was. I never thought I'd end up where I am today, but I guess anyone could say that about any moment in their life and it would be true. [WARNING: Melancholy ahead!] I guess the things I didn't plan on (in no particular order) are:

*Being alive: No, seriously. For a number of reasons, I didn't really expect to live this long. I'm not really sure what to do with myself now, but since dying is inconvenient and living is unavoidable, I'll make the best of it.

*Being a pornographer: And not just some, run-of-the-mill, Web cam perv, but helming two of the largest gay men's magazines around, and if it sounds like I'm bragging, I AM, cause this is some damn, hard shit I'm doing! I'm part of the oppressive, dominant beauty cult now. A body fascist, hypocrite, and somehow I don't feel like I'm keeping anybody down.

*Being single: OK, I know. I haven't really given love much of a chance. I've been...busy.

*Being without some of the people who really helped me remember who I wanted to be: Andy, Shea, Tommy, Susannah, Erin, Ann, Isy, Rox, Michael (both of you), Raf, Josie, Christie, the other Erin, Erin #3 (congrats on the wedding, biatch!), Art, Justin, and the rest of the cheeze queens. And Foster...I miss you, man. I know you went to find yourself--I get that. Hope that when you find him, you guys get along. RJ, you twat: how dare you hold my potential up to my face and then run? I love you, but don't know how I'll forgive you. Bryan: if saying "I don't know" stops one from thinking, then you running off to NYC was the same thing. AJ: mother of my child. You little sod! I don't know what life holds for either one of us, but could you return a phone call? Oh, and I'm still waiting for that Midnight Snack, y'hear? Corey, I love you enough to know that reality is one place the two of us will never inhabit, safely, at the same time. Oh well. My love...MY LOVE! (Sing, mommy...) And Josiah. Still here, but almost like you're not sometimes. We'll find it. YOU'LL find it. I wouldn't stick around if I thought otherwise. Laura: my best friend. Period. Stop sweeping the unhappy under the carpet, and I'll do the same. Love you!

But most of all, I never thought, even for one second, that I would be this far from my dreams. That I would have only me to blame for the setbacks, and that it wouldn't help knowing it to be so.

/ahhh/ A new year. Same me.

Only...