Thursday, December 14

MOVE OVER, BACON...

[ASIDE: That was a long enough break from blogging, no?]

OK, so if you don't already know about that lame trivia game, Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, here's the (very) skinny: at some point in time, so Resivoir Dogs-loving movie nerd, uh, I mean... movie buff figured out that all actors can be linked back to Kevin Bacon in six steps or less. Uncle John gives this example: O.J. Simpson was in Naked Gun, with Priscilla Presley, who was in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane with Gilbert Gottfried, who was in Beverly Hills Cop II with Paul Riser, who was in the movie Diner, with... yup, you've guessed it!

And as if that wasn't nerdy enough, some computer scientist at the University of Virgina crunched the data to arrive at the number of actual degrees an actor rests from the Footloose-one. This number is called a bacon number. [Insert off-color Miss Piggy joke here.] The average distance is 2.917, or less that three degrees...

but that isn't the scary part.

No, this theory was applied to other actors (based on information at IMdB), and it seems there are other actors with lower bacon numbers. Some of the winners include Shelley Winters (who clocked in at 2.75 degrees). Wanna know who else beat the Bacon-Master? Check out the site dedicated to the study of Bacon Numbers. Until then...

Tuesday, November 28

TIME GOES BY... TOO SLOWLY

I was so I excited about NBC airing Madonna's "Confessions Tour" last week, even with the controversial crucifixion cut out. This was a horrible blunder on the network's part: more people would have watched, if only to be able to then voice their outrage. Don't believe me? Check out the ratings. Madonna, her roller-disco dancers and that strange horse-thing she humped pulled only pulled a 3.35% share. (That's about 3.5 million or so, kids.)

But the concert special had bigger problems, way beyond the missing cross and crown of thorns: it was just bad. Plain ol' stinky, yawn-inducing, "I own all her albums, all her remixes on vinyl and CD, and I don't recognize these clunky-arrangements," bad. The concert itself may have been fun to attend, and it featured the usual high-end tech and impressive theatrical production only Madonna can deliver/invent, but the way it was shot (and especially the way it was editing) made in nearly unwatchable.

Yeah, maybe I'm getting older -- or just too old to enjoy what's "hip" these days -- but, the stutter/jump-cuts, and whirlwind merry-go-round of camera angles made it hard for me to get a feel for the show. At one point, I actually counted, and there wasn't a single shot/POV that lasted more than 3 seconds... three freakin' seconds, I mean, COME ON! I've heard/read so much about how MTV generation, etc. are suffering socially and in the classroom because they have no attention span, and how A.D.D.-style entertainment (like this) is to blame.

I'm not sure about all that... all I know is I expected... well, more.

Sunday, November 12

SCREENCLEANER PRO!

This is an actual, unaltered screen shot of an amazing application (well, OK, maybe it is more of a utility, but you get the idea). This little gem adjusts, well, cleans, your screen. The difference is SO noticeable, and it is actually fun to watch the little "cleaning rag" bounce around your screen as the adjustments are made. When you first start the program up, it doesn't do anything. To be honest, it doesn't do anything for quite a while (it's reading your settings, checking things out, etc.). But the, it leaps into action, and you actually have a better view than before.

Usually I can't stand it when people throw an exclamation (sp? I'm too lazy this morning) on the end of a service or product, as though shouting about it will make people more excited, or make the product, and/or service better. But in this case, Screencleaner Pro! deserves it.

Friday, November 3

BREAK WIND/WINDS OF CHANGE

It seems as though not much will change on the poli-landscape, which makes me sad. For all the ink they've earned, the Dems don't seem like they're really on the path to victory.

With Carl Rove, et. al., making sure that plenty of pork is flowing to the various battle-ground states, the Republicrats are going to hold on to power. Yes, in b/g states, projects that have languished for months are suddenly being fully-funded, and major ad-offensive (no, not offensive, like the Rush Limbaugh attack on Michael P. Keaton) may tip the power back towards the evil warmongers. No matter what side of the aisle you sit on, you have to vote this year...

more to come

PROGRESSIVE, INDEED

OK, so this is an ad from Progressive Insurance, my kick-ass carrier. What does he mean? What the hell? Why am I singing the prasises of my car insurance? Simple: they do what they say, no-hassles and take really great care of me. Period.

If you're familiar with my previous disasters and trials, regarding a certain insurance company, you'll understand. If not, feel free to familiarize yourself with the drama. And if you need new isurance, check out Progressive.

I love their ad campagins, too... this one was from a series of "imaginary insurance" services. Pretty cool.

Wednesday, November 1

SUCH AN ELECTION YOU SHOULD HAVE

There's been an interesting crop of stories about Jews in politics this election season, from candidates who deny/don't know their own Jewish background, to the guy in Texas running as the, "Good Ol' Texas Jew Boy," but this month's issue of Heeb offered what I found to be one of the more interesting historical bits:

Fiorello LaGuardia, often called the father of NYC (which makes Gulliani the creepy uncle, I guess), was once accused of being Anti-Semetic, during a campaign. LaGuardia, who's mother was Jewish, responded by challenging the critic to debate, in Yiddish... which was never accepeted.

Today's politicos could learn a thing or four from such a man!

NOVEMBER TUNES

Ch-ch-ch-check 'em out!


We Run This [X-Press 2 Remix] Missy Elliott -- You can't buy this track as a normal music customer, but you can get a listen over at the Dance Department podcast, available thru iTunes.

What About Us [Jacques Lu Cont / Original] Texas -- Unfortunate name for a band, but killer track. amazing remix from Mr. LuCont.

Fergalicious / Give It What U Got [Original Mixes] Fergie / AfroRican -- Normally, a cover track makes the original look lame, or vice versa... but in this case, they both rock

Speed of Sound [Remixes / Original] Coldplay -- I won't pretend to understand this song (or get past their pretentious attitude), but I love all the mixes I've heard of this one, and the original, t'boot.

Anything remixed by the Freemasons, including Deja Vu by Beyonce, Shine by Luther Vandross and Mesmerized by Faith Evans


I've got more picks, but I want to select better artwork, and it's my night to make dinner, and I'm running late as it is...

MY HALLOWEEEN


My Halloween sure has changed: from drunken nights on The Boulevard, to... well, this.

That's Thomas (the newest member of the family) in the "hunny" pot, and James, in a costume I wore 28 years ago. Things change, but stay the same, eh?

NEVER OFFEND PEOPLE WITH STYLE


uglybettykruger
Originally uploaded by MrPunkLJPics.

when you can offend them with substance — Sam Brown

Monday, October 30

NO WORDS...

I was watching the news just now, and two items caught my attention:

1) This month's death toll in Iraq just topped 100

2) In the Amish (sp?) country where a rash of killings just happened, a car dealer is giving away guns with every test drive.

What the hell kind of world do we live in, anyway?

WHAT I'M WATCHING, Part Two

Heroes -- but only when its rebroadcast, on Fridays, on SciFi. Why? Dunno. OK, yes I do. I watch Battlestar Galactica every week (no tapes, no TiVo, must be live), so that preety much means by Friday night is spoken for, so I spend the time leading up to it watching TV I wouldn't normally watch... let's be honest: "Heroes" appeals to the lowest-common denomenators, and makes NO sense whatsoever. But I like the look of it: cartoony, without being childish; dark without being morose; animated without looking like a bad graphic novel. And last time (well, last week) the cheerleader took matters into her own hands. If you don't know what I mean, you owe it to yourself to check this show out.

Although, does anyone else think that guy was cuter when he was on "Gilmore Girls?"

WHY I'VE BEEN WATCHING WHAT I'VE BEEN WATCHING

... cuz' they accomplished more in one episode than "Will & Grace" did in an entire season.

Monday, October 23

WHAT I'M WATCHING, Part 1

Aside from the return of Battlestar Galactica, I can't think of any other TV shows I was excited to watch this fall. Then, I saw a preview for the English version of "Betty La Fea" -- one of THE biggest telenovas, ever.

Well, I'm hooked. Very few shows ever live up to the hype they get -- just ask the folks over at NBC/Universal Television, who more or less gave up on original, prime-time programming, and laid 700 people off: TV is a hard business.

But Ugly Betty not only lives up to the fanfare surrounding its cross-over to American TV, but breaks bold, new ground in the areas of gender identity, and body-image culture. And its damn funny, too.

Check it out if you get the chance.

Friday, October 20

USE ALL THAT MONEY TO BUY A CLUE!

I was browsing the morning paper the other day, when I came across an interesting item: casino magnate Steve Wynn, an avid rare/valuable art collector, decided to part with a Picasso he owned.

He sold it to a private party (rumored to be in the $130-140 million range), but while giving a private, "last minute" showing to some friends (including news anchor/dog lover Bawbwa Walters), he poked a hole int he painting with his elbow.

This was after the ink was dry on the deal -- the night before the painting was to exchange hands. He's offered to pay to have it restored...


which only proves money cany buy just about anything. Well, except, maybe... better hand-eye, uh, or I guess, elbow-eye coordination.

Wednesday, October 18

ALL THAT GLITTERS...

While, uh, browsing a copy of my favorite reference series, I came across a story that made me giggle... yeah, I said it: giggle. A fully-grown man in his thirties, giggled. A lot. (OK, I'm only a year into my thirties, but I had to say something to counter-balance the image of me having a girly-giggle fit.) Filed under medical mishaps, or "The Doctor Is Out (Of His Mind)" I found the following:

A patient of a hospital in Orange County, Florida, sued the facility in 2005, saying they had wrongly injected cosmetic glitter into his buttocks.

The story goes on to say that the man (an undercover police officer, to boot) had gone in for a routine sinus surgery, but when administered a shot of Demeral (a pain med), something, "felt" wrong. Several months later, the cheek where the Demeral had been injected was swollen, and contained, "green and red sparkling matter."


The outcome? Well, all parties involved agreed that, yes, there was, in fact glitter in this cop's ass. But so much time had lapsed (between the surgery and the actual identification of glitter), there was no way to determine the source of the glitter. The guy lost his lawsuit.


My only lingering thought is this: A patient of a hospital in Orange County, Florida, sued the facility in 2005, saying they had wrongly injected cosmetic glitter into his buttocks. Is there a correct, or perhaps, preferred procedure to select to obtain a glittering gluteus?

Wednesday, October 11

WHATDUHFUGIZTHIZZABUT?

OK, so back when I was the editor of a certain magazine, we featured a cover-model who went by the name Kris Knight.

He was pretty darn good looking, and went on to do work with other magazines and websites. But recently I stumbled across a picture of him on someone's blog, and nearly passed out... he looks so very different.

He's working under a new name, but that tattoo, and that smile are not easy to forget. He looks horrible, if you ask me. One has to wonder what happens when an attractive, fit, young model turns into... well, I've attached a before and after picture to this post, so you can decide.


Remember kids: crack is wack.


Monday, October 9

G-G-G-GIVE IT WHAT U GOT!

Alright, here are my music picks (old and new tracks) for this month: I've provided links to check out a sample, whenever possible. Tracks marked with are available on iTunes.

Fergalicious by Fergie - Yeah, her solo album is hit-and-miss, but this is one of those tracks that just rocks the house. Contrary to what I've been hearing/reading, this song does NOT sample JJ Fad. This is an easy mistake to make, as the track has that ol' skool booty-bass sound to it. The song sample (the most) in "Fergalicious" is "Give It All You Got" by Afro-Rican

Never Win [Radio Edit/Mirwais Remix] by Fischerspooner -- a kickin' breaks-inspired electropop anit-victim song. Sweeet.

Girls Can Be Cruel [Extended Dub/King Unique Mix] by Infusion - This song has a very unusual cadence to it, and I could listen to it again, and again.

Shine [Freemasons Remix] by Luther Vandross - the Freemasons are my favorite remixers at the moment, and they've really outdone themselves with this one. A must-have for old scool house fans.

Deja Vu [Freemasons Remix] by Beyonce - another killer remix from the 'Masons.

I Don't Feel Like Dancing by the Scissor Sisters - it looks like this album may go big, and this tart, BeeGee's inspired song may be just the trick.

These Are The Days [Vocal Mix] by Quiiver - Yes, I spelled the name of the group correctlee... but seriously, I haven't heard anything from these guys in almost 4 years, but this is as good as anything they've done in the past. They're like a more talented version of Dirty Vegas.

Bossy [The Scumfrog Remix] by Kelis - still rockin' my iPod, all these months after I picked this track up.

I Think It's Gonna Rain... by Mama Cass - Cass Elliott. 'Nuff said.

One Headlight by The Wallflowers - for some reason, this song came back into my mind, and the lyrics fascinate me now more that when the song first came out.

Twist In My Sobriety by Tanita Takaram - this is a realy departure from what I normally listen to, but I found this artist on Tiga's iTunes playlist, and fell in love with this song.

Enjoy!

Friday, October 6

IT'S BAAACK!




I've been waiting for this moment for sooooooo long, I thought I was going to lose my mind! I'll blog more about Battlestar Galactica after I've finished the Season 2.5 disc that's here from Netflix, but probably not before the season opener tonight -- there's an interesting connection between the direction this season seems to be taking, and the course the United States is on (in Iraq, etc.), and I can't wait to see where this goes.

Uh, the show, that is.

Tuesday, September 26

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH... ?


Every so often, there's a trend... or phenomenon, or whatever, that makes me wonder: What am I missing? Some trends, etc., just seem to come out of nowhere. Others, like our national obsession with Deal Or No Deal (if someone could explain what's so great, please do), are just plain stupid, and cannot be explained.

But other times, I'll notice a pattern (or whatever), and wonder where it came from, and why no one else really notices it.

A while back the NY Times did a piece on all the "big name music divas" who were having a, "comeback," or at least acting as though their new album was a comeback of some-sort, or another. They cited several artists, including Beyonce, but left out another Hip Hop Sistah having a renaissance: Kelis. They've both come out with great albums this year, experiencing cross-over success in Hip Hop/R&B, and the clubs, with killer dance mix EPs and singles.

But the strange thing is they both give "shout-outs" to the Roland 808: a synth/sampler machine from way back in the day. And I mean way back, that Roland doesn't even SO make the damn thing anymore. Its mostly replicated/replaced by newer products that are based on, or inspired by the 808 series, but no one really owns one anymore. Yet both women mention it in their lyrics...

What's up with that?

Monday, September 11

HERE'S LOOKIN' AT YOU, KID...

A big congrats (and hug) goes out to my baby sister, for reaching the 100-mark on her blog.

I've talked about her alot over the past year (Aside to Asiram: You're only a couple hundred behind, now!) because she's become an even bigger part of my life.

For a new blogger, she's taken to it pretty well/quickly, and had no trouble finding her voice as a writer. I'm very proud(s) of her. (That's an inside joke, and no, I can't and/or won't explain it. Just go check her blog out, already!)

ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS

I was utterly shocked, and saddened, to hear about the sudden (and unexplained) death of Anna Nicole "Trimspa" Smith's son. He was only 20, and died of unknown causes in the Bahamas. He was there for the birth of his baby sister, and very little is known about how he died.

Life is pretty fucker sometimes. All jokes aside, Anna Nicole's life seems to be filled with horrible twists and turns... yes, they happen to all of us. But we don't all live in the public eye the way she does, or with her obvious mental/emotional handicaps. I've been on Trimspa for a while now, and other than the occasion rash (mostly when I've had too much caffine, on top of the T'spa), and over-heating (which is actually something I've always had to deal, just like my dad, but I'm placing the blame on the Spa right now), I haven't had any of Anna's symptoms, or results. I'm losing the pounds, but at about 1/10 of the speed, uh... I mean, time, it took Anna. I don't have her plastic surgeons at my disposal, but I also don't have her problems.

Our universe is in a constant state of change, always moving, and adjusting, but trying to reach equilibrium... now matter how fucked up it may seem.

Thursday, September 7

HAVE ANOTHER PLATE OF SPAM

Here are (more) email someone had the nerve to send:


Wherever it is hiding, the spy cam is hard at work capturing shadowy voyeur pictures
Really? Cuz I’ve been hiding my fear of commitment for a while now.

Shoocking harsdcore pisctures governing frictions
What? Even if you spelled every word correctly, I still wouldn’t know what it means. But I’d alzmoist bee willink to paye two seye itk!

Shame of sex? We can change it
Not so much shame, as lack-of.

Mouton cubic rutty mcclain bookend dooley pratt exorcise map nair grocer wink be...
Ooh-ahh, willah-wallah, bing-bang… see? I can spout nonsense, too!

Fork out with Mohammed Langston
All praise Allah! (Hey, at least it wasn't "pork-out" with Mohammed!)

We are professionals at getting you laid.
Well, it’s about time! Are you hiring? Need an extra, uh... hand?

Since I’ve seen the first erection in my pants I had a crazy dream to enlarge my…
Really? I had a much different reaction.

Say yes to impeccable sex!
Yes! Now what?

Classify yourself a new man.
OK, now what?

Juan-Your check could be waiting
We have a winner!!!

GUILTY PLEASURE #345

I caught a little of that "Guiltiest Pleasures" special on the E! Network. Lame! There isn't really much of a justification for that network staying on the air anymore. Well, except Guilty Pleasure #455, "The Simple Life," but that's another post for another time.


Today, I'm singing the praises of MTV's Two-A-Days. Let me clarify a couple of things:

1. I hate (and yes, I mean, "hate") that they don't play music on the Music Television channel anymore.

2. I'm not into twinks, or underage guys, but...

There's something so hot about all these dumb, macho football players running around acting... well, acting really gay. Don't believe me? Check out those pics, or go to the MTV site, and watch a clip.

I have no idea what "Two-A-Day" refers to... maybe one in pinka, two-a-day in the twostinka, dunno... but it's hot.

FEEL THE HEAT

Kristofer Weston, and the rest of the gang over at BuckshotDVD announced their next big, new release: a double-pack of manly heat. (Those are the two covers next to this post.)

I'm looking forward to seeing this one, cuz' I love just about everything they put out. (Heh, heh... put out.) I even love the older stuff, like "Muscle Ranch," as much as I love the new Buckshot classics, like "BuckleRoos." I'm also looking forward to giving Brian Hansen a chance to redeem himself. Not sure what I'm talking about? Read here.

The last release from Buckshot featured a little something for everyone. From cutie Danny Roddick, to hottie Josh Weston. (If you've never read any of Mr. Weston's writing, you're missing out.)

If you wanna know more about these, and other hot releases from Buckshot, check out their site.

Wednesday, September 6

NIP IT IN THE...

Well, last night was the season opener for Nip/Tuck, and it rocked! Props to Brooke Shields' character for calling Christian "out" on his drama, and interior bullsh!t. (I won't share too much, but this photo should tell you something.)

Also, major props to another gay man (oops, I didn't say that), and more big-ups to Suddenly Susan star, Brooke Shields. She finally got her apology from Tom Cruise. She looked hot last night, acted the cacca out of the role, and brought a straight man to his, uh, knees... for an apology, of course.

WE BE CLUBBIN' TIL THE DAY...

Here are my September music pics (in no particular order):


Disco Inferno [Jason Nevis Club Mix] by 50 Cent

Work It For Me [Jason Nevins Radio Remix] by Nelly feat Justin Timberlake

Is It Love [Starkillers Mix] by iiO

Strict Machine [Album Version] by Goldfrapp

People Are Strange [Album Version] by The Doors

Are You Gonna Go My Way [Armand Van Helden Remix] by Lenny Kravitz

Believe In Me [Steve Lawler Remix] by Lenny Kravitz

Killing In the Name [Club Mix] by Nice Cream

Bossy [The Scumfrog Club Mix] by Kelis

Boom Boom Bah (Theme from "Dead Like Me")

I Got You, Babe [Soundtrack Version] by Cher feat Beavis & Butthead

Love Sensation [Freemasons Remix] by Loelleta Holloway


anything by Deep Dish (remixed, or otherwise)

Tuesday, September 5

DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200

I live in one of the areas affected by the recent changes to Cable TV service. (OK, if you live anywhere in SoCal, you're probably in the same boat.) There's been heavy market saturation—print, TV, online, mail—trying to convince us that changing from Adelphia to Time Warner is a step-up. They try and make us think nothing will change... which is both a lie, and not what actually need. Adelphia was a nightmare.

Even if we set aside the corrupt, illegal actives of the jerk offs who own(ed) the company, they still blew donkey d!ck. There were channels without broadcast programs, and constant service interruptions. Yet year after year, the city awarded them a closed bid contract, in which no other companies could offer competition. You have to switch to dish cable if you want something better... but that isn't regulated by city, state or national government agencies.

Why should that matter? Monopoly. No company should be able to exist in environment whey they have no incentive to improve, no reason to ever make a better product. And Time Warner now has a monopoly; much they way Getty Petrol and the Rockefeller Train Co. did, back when Anti-Trust (anti-monopoly) legislation was written. Back then the government made it priority #1 to go after these companies. Don't believe me? Drive down the 405 Fwy. in Los Angeles and check out the Getty Center, funded with money the Getty family wasn't allowed to keep because it was deemed illegal to retain that kind of profit. Or drive up to the San Joaquin valley, to see one of the many public libraries funded by the Rockefellers—libraries that are now closed, or in disrepair, due to a lack of funding.

What’s wrong with this picture?

YOU GO, SISTER-WOMAN GIRLFRIEND!

I read something interesting the other day: it was about the first female driver. When Madamme Levassor's husband died (back in the 1890s), he left her the patent rights to the Daimler gas-powered engine (in France and Belguim—at the time, a big deal in the world of autos).


Not only did M. Levassor become the first recorded female driver (photos proving this date back to 1892), but soon after, she began manufacturing cars... which she named after herself.

You go, sister!

Sunday, September 3

FRANCES, WITH AN "E"

If you've never listened to a podcast, this may be a bit much... but I think you can deal. If you're a regular fan of podcats, and/or gay (or just one of the two), you need, and yes, I mean, "need" to check out The Entertainment Beat With Frances Gumm.

I just listened to Episode #18, and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever heard (and that's sayin' something, folks!)

I made a set of icons for the show (a general icon, some folders and a few document-replacements), but due to image and software copyright laws, I can't distribute them. I can, however, make non-profit copies for friends... so if you'd like a set of iCons (sorry, Macs only, at the moment) please post a comment, and let me know.

Ciao!

Friday, September 1

CRANK THIS MOTHER UP!

Alright, so I wrote a review of Crank, but blogger crashed my browser... twice. (And yes, I'm using the latest version of Firefox, so fuck-off, all you blogger assholes. Your product, free or not, sucks. I'm ready to pay for one that works.) So here is, take three:


My cousin, Sandra and I, went to the first screening of Crank, and it rocked. It wasn't heavily screened for reviewers, which is usually a bad sign when films are released in the US. But in this case, I think the studio took the right route. Most reviewers in major American print outlets are over-40, bitter, and have more hair on their butt than their balls (or head.) Except Ken Turran over at the Times, he's my dawg. But not matter what those other turds say, this movie rocked the kooch. (Amy Smart more than earns her second-billing in this film. Even though she's only in about 1/3 of the film, she steals nearly every scene she's in.)

Crank features pulse-pounding action, breathtaking stunt sequences, a too-hot-for-TV sex scene and big, belly laughs. The jump/stutter-cuts, and other MTV editing tricks (terms the over-40 reviewer uses as an insult, but I choose to reclaim, as a compliment) are smart, effecient ways of matching the break-neck speed of the action. For once, an action film found a way to keep the pace solid, from start to finish, without overwhelming the plot, or the audience. My only beef was that the pace never let up. With just a few subtle changes here and there, this film could be a blockbuster. It may turn out that way, regardless.

One scene that stuck out in my mind, was a chase sequence, where Jason Statham (who somehow managed to turn the usual macho-acting homo-bashing into a sexy, arousing sneer—just imagine him calling another gangster and asking, "Y'feel like going' down on me? Lettin' me lick your arse?—turns from harASSment to hot) is on his cell phone. Rather than simply inter-cut the two callers, they project the image of the other guy onto the wall, behind Statham, while he runs. Little tricks like this keep the film up-and-running like... well, let's just say there's a hard-on scene (before the sex scene) that's not to be missed. There are plenty of nice shots of Statham's ass, also not to be missed included in the film. And the ending... has to be seen to be believed.

If you haven't seen a good action flick in a while (and I hadn't), go see Crank.

SO PROUD, I'M BESIDE MYSELF

OK, so I've been holding off on this post, for two reasons:

1. Historical accuracy: As far as I can tell, the pictures I combined to make this new photo were taken 29 years ago, today — the day they introduced me to my new, baby sister.

2. If I think about it too much, I'll cry... and that's just not pretty.

Anyone who reads (or has read any old posts on) my blog knows my life has been in the toity for a couple years. But my baby sister (who had her b-day a week ago) is just the opposite:

*She's about to start grad school, with a grant taking care of her fees'n'stuff (and they don't give that money to just anybody, y'know)
*She's been taking care of here body for a while now, and looks fab (aside to any straight guys out there: she's got a big set of bazoombas)
*She's smart, articulate, artistic and except for her obsession with lame-@ss Disney Chnl. shows (Hah! you've been outed), she's a rockin', kick-@ss person.

I'm so proud of her, and happy to count her amongst my friends. Yes, I said friends. If I met her now, I would still seek out her company—want to spend time with her. How many family members can you say that about?

Thursday, August 31

LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD...

So it turns out John Cena has been a busy boy... I've noticed he was only getting his head smashed open (by a bench, table or TV set) on WWE once a week or so, and I wondered why.

Then, as I was running errands, I noticed a poster for a new movie: The Marine.

Here's a picture of an, "action sequence from said film.

YUMMY (IN PRINT, ANYWAY)

Check out the cover of the Faces Rainbow Festival magazine! That's COLT stud Brian Hansen, and boy does he look good. Faces is a joint up in Sac-Town (Sacramento, to those of you outside the Golden-Shower State).

He's such a hottie, no? A bunch of the COLT Men will be making appearances this month, and throughout the year, but since the new "Bar & Event Coordinator" can't seem to find SoCal on the map, I'm not going to plug any of their events this time.

Also, has anyone else seen Brian's debut, Big Rig - it was great, but his scene left me softer than the applesauce at a senior citizen's home. (Serioulsly, I've have bm's with more heat. It was like, in the middle of a hot movie, all of a sudden... a scene from an All Worlds video. Blech!) Oh well, maybe his next one will be better. Until then, I have this picture to hold me over.

Wednesday, August 30

OH YEAH...

One more thing... one track I didn't mention on my August tunes list was the 25th Anniversary Edition of the Battlestar Galactica Movie soundtrack. It contains a disco version of the original '70s theme song, lasting over five minutes. Mmm, tasty.

You can check out the track here.

BATHLAZAR'S UH, UH...

Just so y'allz know I'm not lying, here's a picture I ganked from Mr. Too Punk For U's LJ page, from the new season of Nip/Tuck, featuring Saved By The Bell star Mario's ass.

Don't ask me what they were doing in a shower together, or how Mr. TP4U got this pic.

[Aside to Mr. Punk: sorry to hear about the crabs, and thanks for the photos!]

THE NOBLE ORGAN

According to my favorite research institute, Napoleon (the real one, not the moron in the movies) had his wee-wee chopped off after he died. In the the 12th Edition of the BRI's, uh, trivia reading collection, the priest who performed Napoleon's last rites (after being murdered, and robbed — although, maybe not in that order) was found to be in possession of a small, "unpleasant looking piece of dessicated tissue," said to be... well, you see where I'm going with this.

Over the years, the "artifact" has been sold to many different people (for many, sick, sad reasons), and is now a part of the collection at Columbia University.

I'm guessing this doesn't happen to people who win wars, and have big doingers.

Tuesday, August 29

BRAD ON ICE...

How much do we love the fact that COLT Man, Brad Patton placed so well in the Out Games this year? And on the ice, no less.

So hot... wonder how they kept the ice from melting.

BRAVO! MILLION DOLLAR MORONS

Well, it's hats-off the bobos over at the Bravo! Network: the new show they're rolling out, Million Dollar Listings appears to be even more vapid, stomach-turning crap than... well, anything!

Right on the heels of the whole Mel Gibson fiasco, we have a show that glorifies the Melibu lifestyle... I mean, just look at the opening clip, "Welcome to Malibu, full of celebrities," bleets the bloated, tired-looking woman, only half-looking at her client, as she pulls her cell-phone hands-free device free from her ear... with her hands. (Not so hands-free, I guess.)

But this isn't my beef -- there will always be morons on TV; there are just too many stations on-air to avoid this. No, my problem with this show is that it offers nothing new, or of value. Yes, shows like Project Runway may not make for a M.E.N.S.A.-style discussion, but at least I can say I've learned a little bit more about the world of fashion. (Plus, any show with Nina Garcia deserves a place on TV: you go, sister-woman-girlfriend!)

With Million Dollar Listing, all we're left with is a the same ol' garbage! Another choice cut from the show's preview offers a montage of childish tantrum-throwing agents. Why reward this behavior? Why glorify it? Who, in any state of lucid, alert mental activity would justify it by showing off the price-tag of these homes? President Bush always says terrorists hate us for our freedom, but I think they hate us for shows like this.

Monday, August 28

HEY, YAAAAH

I wanted to take a moment out to praise the new film, Idlewild, from the guys in Outkast. I've been reading a number of press sources, all dumping on the film, and it kind of ticked me off. I mean , what do a bunch of old, white men know about what's hip anyway?

The film is smart, sexy and brings the entire genre of musicals into a new era. It sings, dances, dazzles... and just delivers. I highly suggest this film to anyone who knows what cool is, or just wants to know.

The only negative thing I have to say is that the seats weren't that comfortable, and that had nothing to do with the actual film. It was an A+ effort from all involved, so go see it.

Tuesday, August 22

SHIRLEY BASSEY: BEYOND THUNDERDOME!

OK, so this isn't my best Photoshop work, but I just had to do it! I just discovered a new Shirley Bassey album on a site I frequent, and it features a totally taste-free, typical Shirley Bassey moment: a cover of Tina Turner's "We Don't Need Another Hero (Thunderdome)," and Ms. Bassey turns in her usual over-the-top, lounge-diva performance... and I am in love!

Yes, the original is a great tune, but c'mon... nobody covers a tune like Ms. Bassey.

(If you go to the site, you can download a 30-second preview of the track, and see what I mean!)

IN SMURFLAND, THERE'S A BREWERY...

Ah, yes... those are the opening lyrics to, Smurfing Beer, by Father Abraham & The Smurfs. No, I'm not crazy (OK, well... maybe I am), but I'm not making this up.

Back
when I still lived in WeHo, my roommate had a thing for thrift shopping. And not always the good kind, either. We'd troll the thrift stores in Ventura, schlepp to the second-hand stores on Fairfax, south of Wilshire (such an area you should live in, boichik), and sometimes, we'd actually find cool stuff.

Other times, well... we'd find things like Father Abraham In Smurfland, on the original vinyl. I don't know what ever became of that album — I did manage to sample the first 30 seconds of said Smurf drinking song, for my DJ Tools collection — but I've always wondered where on earth this concept came from.

With a little help from the internet, I found out. No, I'm not going to tell you! It was really hard to track down the origins of this record (but not so hard to find some artwork, as you can see). And I think everyone should Google the term, "Smurfs" along with a good, Hebrew name, and see what wonders the world wide web has to offer.

"Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?"

SWEETIE, DAHLING...

My mom does crossword puzzles all the time — and I mean all the time. The only problem is, she feels the need to drag anyone and everyone around her into her activity, blurting out things like, "what's the name of an ice cream company, starting with the letter..." (and she's the ice cream fan in the family!)

Now, don't get me wrong: my mama's way smart; book smart (advanced degrees, multilingual) and pretty street smart for a senior citizen. (She's an amazing artist, too — watercolors, chalk, pencils, you name it!) But the crossword puzzle? This can be an activity spanning several hours. (OK, to be fair, she does the puzzles from several different papers, but still... those puzzles take up hours of her time.) I don't blame her for needing the occasional hint, but sometimes, the clues she calls out stump me, to the point of obsession. Other times, they spark my curiosity, and I end up off, on my own trivia-hunt.

The other day, she asked, "Do you watch, 'Absolutely Fabulous'?"

Do I? Why yes, I even own a box set of DVDs of that very show!


The answer was the name of one of the lead characters... an easy one, if you ask me. But it got me thinking about AbFab, and funny ladies, in general. A quick web-search took me to the BBC site about the show, and to the How Fab Are You? Quiz — a personality test, of sorts. I took the quiz, and the art next to this post shows the results.

If you've ever seen the show (and you have a sense of humor), get over to the site and take the test...

Hmmm... I wonder if Lacroix does personality tests, sweetie...

Tuesday, August 15

WONDERFUL ELECTIRC...


Alright, kids, it's that time again! Here are my music picks for August, 2006 (in no particular order):

Strict Machine [Album Version or Calderone Club Mix] by Goldfrapp - I nabbed this one when it first came out, but have to admit that hearing it on television adverts made me fall in love all over again. (I prefer the "Nip/Tuck" commercial over the Verizon one.)

Still Dirty by Christina Aguilera - I found most of the material on her new, two-disc set a yawn, and even though this track sounds a bit' left-over from her last album, it's a great track.

Love Sensation [Freemasons Club Mix] by Lolleata Holloway - this track is still the ultimate jam, after all these years.

Bossy [The Scumfrog Club Mix] by Kelis & Stars R Blind [The Scumfrog Extreme Make-Over Mix] by Paris Hilton - these two Scumfrog remixes rock... a huge improvement on the original(s).

Miss You [Jacques Lu Cont Remix] by Mirwais - Stuart Price (a.k.a. Jacques Lu Cont, Les Rythmes Digitales, Thin White Duke, Paper Faces, et. al.) can do no wrong in my book. Seriously.

I'm With Stupid [PSB Maxi Mix] by the Pet Shop Boys - one of the few pop artists from the 80s still growing, still keeping things interesting.

Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley - Pure genius. Period. (Loved it in "The West Wing," too.)

Not Ready To Make Nice by The Dixie Chicks - I absolutely love this song, and play it almost every day.

Thursday, August 10

MOVE OVER, PNSexplosion...

Now there's something meatier! (Props to you, if you get the reference... you fossil, you.)

I have a new podcast obsession: The MoPod Show and they rock. The audio-quality leaves a little something to be desired, but what they lack in audio quality, they make up with content quality. These are some funny-@ss mos... but don't just take my word for it; you can check out the show, either via iTurds, or via their site. Either way, it is worth checking them out.

From Star Trick (perhaps the first, and only funny send-up of Star Trek ever made), to "radio dramas" like Touched By A Crackwhore, or just following the misadventures of Barbara Bush and her lesbian dolphin side-kick (yes, you read it correctly), these boys know how to tickle my funny-bone. Come to think of it, that's not the only bone they stimulate, but, uh... sorry, kids, but my baby sister reads my blog e'ryday, so I'll keep it PG-13'ish.

Tuesday, August 8

FULL FORCE... STEP TO 'EM

OK, so I'm getting around to posting my August music picks, really... but I can't post without paying tribute to the amazing Ms. Jasmine Guy. I saw her in Chicago, when it came to town a few years ago, and she rocked. And I loved her in Dead Like Me (if you haven't seen this amazing show, they're re-running it on Sci-Fi on Tuesday nights, before that let-down of a show, Eureka.)

But what I love, and remember her most for, is the single my high school drill team threw-down to back-in-the-day. (Music: its better than carbon dating, cuz you feel how old the person is, when you hear the music.) Oh, and she was great in that TV show, back in the '80s.

Think I'm kidding? Check out the cover of the single, produced by Full Force. Yes, I said Full Force, bitches! This isn't some bullsh!t I found on the net, either kids... I scanned it from the, (and I quote) Compact Disc Maxi-Single.

(Heh, heh, heh... maxi.)

Monday, August 7

MY TWO CENTS ON MELIBU COUNTY

OK, so there are plenty of interesting aspects of Mel Gibson's meltdown worth discussing... but what I found most interesting was the way the Catholic League came out (heh, heh) in defense of Mel, saying:

"Mel’s enemies will never cut him a break. Their real goal is to discredit ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ and that is why their propaganda machine is in full gear. Never mind that Mel has said that ‘Antisemitism is not only contrary to my personal beliefs, it is also contrary to the core message of my movie. How ironic it is to note that the core message of his film —forgiveness — is sorely lacking in his critics."

Uh, what? Y'all are some crazy-ass bitches, that's fo'sho! That crappy snuff film Smell Gibson made isn't the reason people are freaking out... they're freaking out cuz he's a world-class @sshole!

SPEAKING OF BITCHES...

Another guilty TV pleasure of mine (as you may know, from an earlier post) is watching the Food Network. But I've noticed a disturbing trend in the past year or so:

SKINNY BITCHES WITH COOKING SHOWS!

Uggh. I can't stand it! Not only are these knock-kneed, buck-toothed, vomit-after-every-meal, skinny-ass ho's dominating the airwaves, but they have the nerve to host shows featuring sweets, cookies, cakes, etc.

C'mon, people! When your elbows are the biggest part of your upper-body, your 'rexic @ss doesn't deserve a cooking show, let alone a show about sugar-sweets!

Puh-lease!

IF THEY THINK YOU'RE A BITCH...

I love watching "My Life On the D-List," re-runs of "The West Wing" and other programs on Bravo, from time to time. My only real complaint is over the way the run the same promos over and over... and over. When launching a new program, they run promo-spots so many times, I feel like I've seen the program, well before it airs. (Oh, and recently, they've been "re-purposing" loser-programs from their parent-station, NBC... which is lame. I mean, if I didn't watch, "America's Got Talent" when it was on NBC the first time, I'm certainly not going to watch it just because they run it on a channel I like!)

Anyway, the latest program (or, at least, one of the latest), is called, "Workout." The promo for this one really gets under my skin: it starts off with whats-her-tits, saying, "People think I'm a b!tch... but I'm not."

Now, there's something odd about this statement. If people think she's a bitch, and told her to her face, she'd say, "People say I'm a bitch." But she doesn't. She says, people think she's a bitch — which means people either say it behind her back, or they don't say it at all, and she's just projecting/reading-into the way people treat her.

Bottom line: you wouldn't even bring a subject like this up unless:

a) You're a bitch, and you're proud of it. b) You're a bitch, and you're not OK with it. c) You're just a bitch. Period.

I've only seen bits'n'scraps of the show, but I have a feeling it's "c," she's just a bitch. Period.

Friday, August 4

BIAS-ED A**HOLES, IF YOU ASK ME

OK, so I'm sorry to b!tch, but I just have to call somebody out their sh!t:

I've been using Bias, Inc.'s PEAK as my main music editing software for a few years now. I've upgraded (twice), and have always been 99% per cent happy with the product.

One small beef I have centers around the application's sudden inability to "remember" my user preferences. Yes, after using the app on a daily basis, it will — suddenly, and without warning — delete them. I called the company, and they said they knew about it, and were trying to figure out why it was happening, and that they'd have a "fix" for it in the future.

That fix? Version 5.0, at a cost of $179, no less! Now, I know that's not the chunk of change one would have to shell out to buy the software as a first time user, but still... it is a bit much, when you consider that the only reason I would be buying the upgrade is because the first version doesn't freakin' work! (Yes, the new version has other "advantages," but none so over-the-top that I feel the need to spend the money.)

But more importantly, I don't feel like I can trust Bias, Inc., anymore — I feel like they're just not cutting it, you know? This isn't like the time Icon Factory lied to me, sending me an email saying Xscope was going to cost one price, and then charging me more when the bill came. (Although that is high up there on the tard-metetr.) No, the f*cks, uh, I mean, folks over at Bias, Inc. are just plain ol' lazy. And I quote, " Why should we go back and fix a product, when our new version fixes the problem?"

Why? Why? I'll tell you why, you facist, son-of-a-motherless-goat! Because the product you made doesn't work! It was paid for, and it doesn't do what you said it would! Simple, really when you look at it from, oh... I don't know, the point of view of the customer. You know the customer... we're the people who keep you in business!

I'm torn: on the one hand, I've already invested so much in this software: not just money, but time and effort. On the other hand: well, let's just say the other hand feels like someone just sh!t all over it.

Saturday, July 29

FLY RIGHT

So my sister and her girlfriend just left... no, not that sister, my older sister -- the flight attendant. She and her new (kick-ass) girlfriend spent the week here, and (except for all the leftover Tecate in the fridge) it was a nice visit.

What can I say? I love my sister, but can't stand beer...

Thursday, July 20

TAKE THE PAULA DEEN QUIZ

Think you know the Queen of Southern Cuisine, Paula Deen? Take this Food Network Quiz, and find out just how much you know. For the answers, click here.

1. Paula was discovered at the age of:
31
41
45
55
61

2. Paula opened her first restaurant in:
Austin
Atlanta
Savannah
Dallas

3. In 1989, Paula launched a sandwich delivery business called:
The Bag Lady
Picnic Lunch
The Brown-Bagger
The Country Kitchen

4. Paula made her Hollywood debut in the 2005 film:
Walk The Line
Crash

Elizabethtown
Cinderella Man

5. Paula learned her southern cookin’ techniques from:

Her daddy
Her mother
Her grandmother
The Culinary Institute of America

6. Paula has two sons named:
Jamie and Michael
Bobby and Jamie
Jamie and Hunter
Michael and William

7. Paula announced to the world she would start filming her own Food Network show on:
The View
Oprah
LIVE With Regis & Kelly
Ellen

8. Paula considers this former U.S. President one of her favorite guests on her show:

Ronald Reagan
Jimmy Carter
George Bush, Sr.
Bill Clinton

9. Paula often uses this word to describe her style of cooking:
Sophisticated
Unpretentious
Trendy
Fat-free

10. Paula was introduced to her husband, Michael, by:

Her son
A waitress at her restaurant
Her dogs
An executive at Random House


I got 8 out of 10 correct, making me a “Paula Pro.” For the answers click here.

Wednesday, July 19

TIME FOR ANOTHER MANHUNT POEM!


The Wonderful Thing About HotBoys
(In the style of The Wonderful Thing About Tigger)

The most wonderful thing about hot boys,
Is hot boys are great in bed!
Their bottoms are made for f*c%i$g,
Their mouths give awesome head!
They’re moaning, groaning, erection showing,
Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun!
But, the most wonderful thing about hot boys
Is they’re filled with come!

The most wonderful thing about hot boys,
Is hot boys are always hung!
The thick ones are great for sucking,
The long ones will fuck you dumb!
They’re masturbating, fornicating,
Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about hot boys
Is I’m the only one!