THE CULT OF BEAUTY / BOOTY

"I don't feel like I'm oppressing anybody..."

When I was first offered the job (you know the job, the one in porn), the first thing I did (well, the first thing after I changed my Pampers, which had been ruined when I laughed so hard, I peed) was take my dad out to lunch. We went to the Shakey's Buffet by my old high school, partly because it was closing that week (forced out by "redevelopment" don'tcha know?), but mostly for the Mojo potatoes.

Now, pops and I can talk about anything, and I mean, ANYTHING. Yes, I'm wired like my mom, but that's why checking in with the ol' man makes so much sense: he is a solid yin to her yang, which makes him an ideal devil's advocate in situations like this.

I told him all the details: the pros, the cons, but still playing my cards close to my chest (a total departure from my normal neurosis). I have reservations about taking the job, but I'm hoping that if I don't bring them up, and then HE does, it validates my concerns.

It's fucked up, I know, but this was new for me, in a number of ways. Usually, if I have doubts or second thoughts about something, I'm secure (or maybe just stubborn) enough to bow out, stick to the plan and feel good about it. But this time, oh, this time was different. For once, I was able to fully grasp and digest the amazing new world unfolding before me (mine for the taking, it would seem), and I want it... I mean, I REALLY want it... but, again, I have those nagging doubts-doubts now snowballing into (irrational) fear because my dad... hasn't said a word. This is a VERY unusual development. My dad always speaks his mind, no matter what the consequences. But now, he's just sitting there, munching on his pizza crust.

"So. . . uh, waddayathink?" I eek out, diving for the last of the Modjos.
"About what?" he counters, calmly stealing a thick Modjo slice off my plate.
"Uh... the job," somebody with a voice like mine says.
Silence.
"Do you think I should take the job?" I ask, my emotions (finally) boiling up to the surface.
"I think," he mutters, not even trying to hide a small sigh, "if it is work you think you can do; work you think you think you would like, for an amount of money, benefits and growth opportunities justifying the investment of your time and..."
"But what do you THINK?!" I ask, cutting him off, and now painfully aware of how transparent my doubts are. He sighs. (Again.)
"I think," he says, shifting in the booth, as he starts again, "If it's work you think you can do, that you think you'll like, for that kind of money..."
He doesn't even bother to finish.

The talk eventually turns to the impact of the adult industry (hegemony, dominant beauty standards, and the usual White Opression talk) and the kind of influence I'll have if I take this job. But for the first time in my ENTIRE life, my dad doesn't urge me to rebel-doesn't incite revolution. No, he tells me not to rock the boat, just learn all that I can, and focus on the new skill sets I can pick up, for the NEXT job.

Several months later, the topic comes up at a small family gathering. Over the course of the discussion, I admit/confess/brag I'm enforcing the dominant, fascist body cult, and contributing to low self-esteem everywhere, and (only half-joking) cap it off, saying, "I don't feel like I'm oppressing anybody!"

But as the laughter died down, a thought jumped up, into focus: All those times in the past, when it felt like there was some larger force, an unseen system 'keeping me down' maybe those pricks didn't know how much they were hurting people-hurting me... but the warm glow of enlightenment dims as I realize that at some point, they knew. It was pointed out to them, or they knew all along but didn't have to face the ugly truth at the start of their oppression, whatever. The point is, they kept going, even after they KNEW the negative impact, which means they intend to inflict harm, and didn't lose any sleep over it.

But hey, when it's work you think you can do; work that you'll like... you fight the power, buck the system and speak your mind when it will be most effective, not just when its called for.

Thanks for letting me learn this one on my own, pops.