OILY SPOTTING LOOSE... WHAT?

As I was walking down the aisle of my local Target store, I noticed and end cap display for a popular diet pill supplement... Alli (pronounced, Ally). I've heard quite a bit about this product, as it is the first FDA approved over the counter weight loss supplement. And being a tad on the heavy side right now, I thought I'd do a little more research to see if Alli was for me.

Boy, was I shocked once I started reading. And then, to make matters worse, I saw a report on the news. (Or maybe it was The Colbert Report - I don't recall. When you watch Fox Noise as much as I do, it gets hard to tell the fake news from the "real" news.) Anyway, the thing that stood out to me, more than any weight loss success story, was the list of very strangely worded side affects.

The side insists that if you take the pill you "accept" the following:

-I am willing to do the hard work to lose weight gradually

-I am committed to following a reduced-calorie, low-fat diet (avg of 15 grams of fat per meal)

-I am committed to eating smaller portions

-I am committed to making time to be more physically active

-I will read and follow the alli label

-I understand that if I take alli with a meal containing too much fat, I may get bowel changes known as treatment effects. The effects may include gas with oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control. Why? Because alli prevents absorption of some of the fat, and undigested fat passes through the body

Wait... hold on a second. What did that last bit just say? For real, though? Given the first few statements (basically saying, "I will eat less, and exercise more") why put up with those side effects. I mean, if I'm going to uncontrollably leak oily goo out of my anus, I want to be able to eat anything I want... and I'm talking about nacho cheese covered, deep fried anything. Chili on everything warm, and heavy whipped cream on anything cold. Ice cream and nachos for breakfast. Well, you get the idea.

Why would I want to pay all that money, just to have my bum spew geysers of goo, when I still have to diet and exercise. I mean, these people, my "allies" totally missed the point of the American Dream: to look like a rock star, and eat like a loser. Sheesh.